Rutgers Prez Barchi on firings: “It’s going to be a re-building year for us in Dodgeball”

Rutgers president Robert Barchi has a task on his hands. And luckily for him that task is not “find a new job.” At least not yet. The current task for him is replacing AD Tim Pernetti (who resigned), fired coach Mike Rice, and fired assistant coach Jimmy Martelli. That’s a lot of talent lost, and Barchi acknowledged this at his press conference today.

Barchi: “Look I’ll be honest. I wouldn’t have imagined having to replace all of these guys in April. I mean the season just ended, we’re working on moving to the Big 10, we’ve finally started to put it together and almost had a winning record. Then the media discovered our practice tape, and now I’ve had to blow it all up because simple minds can’t understand the idea of playing dodgeball on a basketball court.. It’s definitely going to be a re-building year for us in dodgeball now.”

Yes, he said dodgeball. While everyone is worried about the fate of the basketball program, Robert’s not even concerned. “Why do you think we had dodgeball coaches teaching dodgeball on a basketball court? We were about 29th in the Big East, and there’s only 15 teams in it. That should tell you right there. We had to do something to take them by surprise. I guess now we could try playing dodgeball on the right court, not sure what the fun is in that though.”

So the adventure begins for Barchi. Finding an AD and a basketball coach that know the difference between a red dodgeball and a brown and black striped basketball is task  number one. That eliminates Bobby Knight right there. Unless he wants to go one step further and hire Vince McMahon. You thought people were upset before, imagine their reactions when their coach put a reverse piledriver on one of the team’s opposing players?

Rutgers will be spending one more year in what’s left of the Big East American Athletic Dumpster Fire Association Conference or whatever it’s called now, so being even mildly competitive in basketball there without a coach shouldn’t be too hard. Hell, being competitive without players shouldn’t be too hard, does anyone even knows who’s in the conference anymore?

Don’t be surprised when schools forfeit conference games next year when they don’t show up because they forget they’re even in the conference. Too bad Kentucky couldn’t play in a conference like that this year, maybe they would’ve actually made the NCAA tournament. Well actually, based on how 2012-13 was for them, they probably would’ve found a way to lose to a game to a team that didn’t even show up for it.

Needless to say, Robert Barchi’s got a challenge ahead of him. Step 1 was clean house, step 3 is profit. Step 2 is: ???????????????????????. He has to figure out what’s behind those question marks. Good luck.

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