Texans trade Matt Schaub for a Quarter Pounder with cheese

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: October 28, 2013

After Case Keenum amazingly wasn’t beheaded in his first career start in Kansas City, the Texans named him the starter “going forward.” As a result, Matt Schaub became trade bait (sort of) and the Texans found a trade partner (amazingly). No, it wasn’t an actual NFL team, or even a football team period. It was a Houston area McDonalds. Schaub was dealt straight up for a Quarter Pounder with cheese. Apparently all the losing and going to jail (http://notsportscenter.com/kubiakarrested/) made Gary Kubiak hungry.

A side of fries will be named later as well, as it’s an incentive laden deal that can earn the Texans as much as an extra happy meal complete with the toy, provided Schaub meets his new goals. “Matt will be taking over cooking fries, washing dishes, plunging toilets, and taking out the trash,” said Joe Blow, the daytime manager of the Houston McDonalds. “It’s basically all the dirtiest nastiest work that we wish he would’ve been doing instead of playing QB. But that’s why we acquired him. To make him suffer.” Okay then.

What does Houston think of the deal?

“I’m lovin it,” said Gary Kubiak, possibly auditioning for a new McDonalds commercial.

“Sucks to suck Schaub,” said new permanent starting QB Case Keenum.

“It’s great, I’m tired of playing defense all the time,” said Texans WR Andre Johnson.

“So are we,” said the Texans defense.

“(Screw) y’all, (screw) all y’all,” said Matt Schaub after arriving at his new place of work.

So finally Houston moves on from Schaub. Can Case Keenum lead them back to the 8-8 glory days of old? Remains to be seen. And yes Matt, we do want fries with that.