Opinion: “I’m The Greatest Player Ever”, by Sean Avery


New York — I know what you’re thinking: “Whatever happened to Sean Avery? That adorable hunk of perfection was the talk of the league for a while and now he’s gone.”

Well, guess what? I haven’t gone anywhere. Greats never vanish, you know.

Now, before you get all butthurt about how “Sean isn’t a great, he’s just a no-good punk,” just take a moment to reflect on my greatness.

Who got a rule named after him for punking out Martin “Puck-Fearing Pansy” Brodeur? Me.



Don’t be fooled. I owned him.


Who was the first hockey player to get on “Dancing With The Stars”? Me.

She was Dancing with a star: Me

She was Dancing with a star: Me

Who makes a living outside of the NHL serving at an advertising agency and as a male model? Me.

Why yes, I am sexy. Thanks for noticing.

Why yes, I am sexy. Thanks for noticing.

I mean, yeah, I never scored 50 goals in a season like that pretty boy Crosby. And sure, my legacy won’t be defined by statistical dominance like those has-been hacks like Gretzky, Lemieux, or Orr, but hey, greatness is more than just hockey performance.

Oh, and I still play hockey, you know. I am a freaking god at roller hockey. Like, the other day, I scored 6 goals in one period. Sure, the 9-year old brat in net got upset that I kept juking him out like Datsyuk (but better), and yeah, none of the parents were happy with me that I was playing in a league with snot-nosed heathens who aren’t even worthy to be on the same rink with me, but hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game. Except you can’t hate the game because hockey is perfect, and if you disagree, you’re wrong.

Well, this has been fun and all, but I got to get back to being better at life than you. Enjoy looking up to me and making me your role model. It’s not easy being great.

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