REPORT: Michael Vick out this week, possibly all year with a paper cut


Chip Kelly rolled into the NFL with plans of “revolutionizing” offense. Well he has, over the last two weeks his offense has scored a grand total of 3 points. That’s pretty freakin revolutionary. Part of the revolution has been to continue spinning the Wheel O’ Mediocre Quarterbacks, as he’s used Michael Vick, Nick Foles, and Matt Barkley in the last couple of weeks. If any of the three of them are the answer, you probably don’t want to know the question. One of the names has taken himself out the equation (if this is Algebra, no wonder people hate Math) for this week with an injury.

Michael Vick says he heard his hamstring “pop” last week, but that was nothing to compared to what he’s going through now. According to a report, Vick will be out this week with an injury that he incurred while flipping through his playbook (yes, he actually OPENED his playbook can you believe it?). But now this week, his season, and possibly his career is even in doubt. Yes, career. “It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced,” said a tearful Vick. “I’d rather go back to jail for 2 more years than deal with this.” What happened you ask? A broken wrist? Arm? Hand? No, no, and no.

A paper cut. Yeah. Vick continued, “There’s no way I could play through this kind of excruciating pain. The cut goes all the way across my finger! It’s so deep that it almost bled. Roger Goodell says he’s doing things to help player safety, but if reading my playbook is going to endanger my life like that, I’m not sure I can continue my NFL career having to do such dangerous things. I’m going need months of rehab before I can even pull this band aid off. I have scars that will never heal from this experience.” So do Eagles fans from having to watch him play.

Where do the Eagles go from here?

“Whoever it is better be giving me damn ball on every MFin play,” demanded LeSean McCoy (and his fantasy owners).

“I think we’ll be okay, I honestly only felt comfortable catching passes from Foles and Barkley anyway,” said Riley Cooper.

“Who cares? Where the strippers at?” asked a clearly frustrated DeSean Jackson.

“Someone’s talking to me? Yes! It’s been so long I didn’t think people remembered I was actually still on the team,” said a surprised Jeremy Maclin.

“Hell if I know,” said coach Chip Kelly.

Isn’t that his job to kn…never mind. One thing is for sure, this Eagles train isn’t quite off the rails but it will soon be crashing through a wall near you. Better call Flo and get some extra insurance. And who knows, this future train wreck may even win the division in the process. In the NFC East, anything is possible.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>