REPORT: Steelers applied to a retirement home shuffleboard league


After falling to 0-2 and their immediate future looking bleak, the Steelers have taken action. According to a report, they’ve applied to join a Pennsylvania retirement home shuffleboard league. Many of their players are already in retirement homes, or belong in retirement homes, so this would be a very natural move. Playing games to 11:00 at night can be tough on the old bones, and they keep having to do that as the NFL continues to put the Steelers in primetime for some bizarre reason. Apparently the league is as caught up in the past as their fans are.

If the Steelers are accepted, they’ll take an automatic 0-16 record going into next season. Needless to say, JaDeveon Clowney LOVES this idea. “Man if they don’t get accepted, I can’t be held responsible for my actions,” Clowney said. “There could be 40 or 50 Vincent Smith type incidents. I don’t want to decapitate a bunch of old men but I will if it means I don’t have to play in Jacksonville. You couldn’t pay me a trillion dollars to play for the Jaguars.” Don’t make Clowney mad. You wouldn’t like him when he’s mad. Plus a violent sociopath playing defense for the Steelers? It’s a match made in heaven.

But Clowney’s not the only one excited by this idea. “Dude…a retirement home? For real? I love it. Have you seen the nurses that work there? Hot,” said a certain QB who happens to love the ladies a little too much. “The way they wear those outfits with the low-cut necks and…YOWZA. Let’s gooooooooo!” Alright Big Ben settle down, you don’t want to get arrested before you even join the league. Despite that he wouldn’t play much, Troy Polamalu likes the idea. “This give me a chance to spend more time with my head & shoulders shampoo. I’ve neglected my hair for far too long.”

Coach Omar Epps Mike Tomlin even supports the idea as well. “Let’s face it, we can’t afford to have 40 guys on the sideline on respirators. Plus this gives a chance to actually win, at least until everyone gets hurt. Pushing a puck with a broom is quite an intense physical activity, you know.” At least for the Steelers it is. So who knows, if they get accepted, this could work out for everyone. The Steelers can sit around with all the other fellow 60 year olds reminiscing about the 70’s, chugging ensure and counting their rings. Sounds like the things Pittsburgh dreams are made of.

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