SOURCES: Astros come up only $154,999,996 short on Tanaka


After weeks of speculation, Masahiro Tanaka finally found a home, with guess who? The Cubs? Hahaha that’s a good one. The Dodgers? No, every single dollar they make for the next eleventy billion years goes to Clayton Kershaw. Tanaka signed with a non-playoff team that plays in New York. Not the Mets, he’s not yet at the tail end of his career looking to steal someone’s money while letting himself go like a 40 year old housewife. But they will be on his radar when this 7 year contract ends.

It was the Yankees of course, who did what they do best: spend the GDP of a small country on one player.


Tanaka’s new bedroom looks quite nice

But according to our sources, the Astros came oh so close to out-bidding the Yankees. After Tanaka informed them what the Yankees were offering, the Astros made what they felt was a solid offer. Sadly, they were only $154,999,996 short of topping the $155 million contract Tanaka ultimately signed with the Yankees. So close.

“We’re very disappointed about losing, we felt our offer was very competitive,” said Astros GM Jeff Luhnow of the team’s 7 year, $5 offer. “It wasn’t quite what the Yankees were offering, but we had numerous incentives built in that Tanaka could’ve reached. A 20 win season would’ve gotten him a can of soda. A Cy Young award would’ve gotten him some Pop Rocks. And a World Series MVP? A whole pack of Trident Layers. A WHOLE PACK. So many wonderful possibilities, lost forever.”


Incentives Tanaka could’ve had as an Astro

So now Tanaka moves on and will attempt to get the Yankees back to the glory days of 2009 and the Astros move on to digging through the trash to see what they can find to use in their next offer to a free agent. They’ll always wonder what could’ve been: 50 wins in a season? Maybe even an unbelievable 60? 4th place for a few weeks? It could’ve been great. But no, Tanaka had to choose being a 25 year old worth $150 million over some pop rocks and soda. Unbelievable.

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