REPORT: Stevie Wonder, Jim Joyce, Ron the Hobo to ref title game


A few questionable calls in the first two Final Four games has led to some changes for tonight. According to a report, Stevie Wonder, Jim Joyce, and Ron the Hobo will be tonight’s referees. It’s a nice mixture of blind, incompetent, and clueless that the NCAA feels will be perfect for the game. They’ve had parts of this mixture throughout the tournament, but they think they’ve finally nailed all 3 with this group.

If you watched during the late minutes of the first Final Four game, many calls seemed to go Louisville’s way. You probably thought, “Wow, did the old NFL replacement refs get some new work? This is ridiculous.” Turns out yes: they did. A spokesman from the NCAA had this to say: “We decided to give the replacement refs another shot. They got so much publicity from their stint in the NFL we thought it would be great for our student-athletes. After all, that’s why we make the decision we do: for our student-athletes. It’s definitely not for money.” He then jumped into his Porsche Carrera and sped off. The NCAA is so giving.

When asked about the calls, the replacement refs quickly spit out the truth, “We all have serious money on Louisville so we had to make sure they won. Plus, everyone was getting annoyed of hearing all these shocker puns. We took one for the team America. We did it for YOU.”  This is true. The end of hearing 41,333,936,734 uses of the word shocker is a victory for the world. And yet, they still got fired. Ouch. And if Louisville doesn’t win, they’re going to be stuck refereeing pee-wee football. The life of the replacement ref is certainly an exciting one.

A spokesperson for the NCAA on the referee situation:  “We thought it was only natural to employ amateur refs with amateur players. Maybe it wasn’t. We feel the new refs for the National Championship will shake it up a little and have a more positive impact.” Amateur refs for amateur players: more rock solid NCAA Logic.


Here’s a little background on each of the Referees for Monday Night:

Stevie Wonder- Stevie was hired under an equal opportunity policy for the blind, and will ref his first basketball game tonight. No one will notice how blind he is because everyone else will also be blind from Michigan’s insanely bright highlighter yellow jerseys. No one being able to see anything could make for a very interesting game. It might even improve Louisville’s shooting.

Jim Joyce- The man infamous for ruining the perfect game, Joyce will be brought in to make Stevie feel more comfortable. Jim will likely screw the game up, but he’ll make it very entertaining (For example: when he calls strikes after missed free throws or awards somebody a free base when the other team throws the ball out of bounds). Jim is predicted to receive up to 23,000 death threats but he knows “It’s just a part of the game.”

Ron the Hobo- Ron doesn’t know anything about the game. But, he’ll be completely unbiased since he doesn’t even know who is playing or what a basketball even is. Ron was promised a free dinner buffet as long as he showed up and acted like he knew what he was doing, which is the same package all of the other tournament referees were offered.

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