Jets trade Tim Tebow to Lincoln Middle School for a box of Girl Scout Cookies


It’s finally happened. The Jets have unloaded Tim Tebow. Except it’s not quite to where you might think. It’s not in the NFL. It’s not in the CFL. It’s not in the XFL. It’s not even to the YMCA. It’s to Lincoln Middle School in San Angelo, Texas. And it’s not even to the 8th grade team. It’s to the 7th grade team.The 7th grade team at Lincoln Middle School acquired Tim Tebow for a box of Girl Scout Cookies. Samoas specifically.

According to sources, after the Jets hired GM John Idzik, Idzik and Rex Ryan spoke at length about what they thought they might get for Tim. They agreed that no NFL team in their right mind would give any kind of draft pick, cash, jersey, used towel, or even a pair of dirty old socks to acquire Tim Tebow. But they couldn’t cut him. No one just cuts Tim Tebow without facing the wrath. It’s like saying “Sure, I’d LOVE to have the black plague unleashed on me. Sounds fun!”

So if they couldn’t cut him, they had to go outside the box. And despite his lap band surgery, it’s no secret Rex Ryan likes to eat. And eat. And eat. And eat. And eat. And eat some more. Idzik had a box of thin mints on the desk in his office one time and he was eating the last one. Rex said “Man, I would do literally anything for some thin mints right now.” Suddenly, it hit John. That was it! They could trade Tebow for some thin mints. Everybody wins!

So they started googling middle schools, thinking that they probably had tons of girl scouts. John asked Rex “Any idea on a name?” Rex said “Well I just saw that movie Lincoln…how bout that?” John said “Perfect.” They googled Lincoln Middle School and chose the one in San Angelo, Texas. Get Tim as far away from the media as possible and maybe finally, FINALLY he’d have a chance to start.

So they called up Lincoln head coach/athletic director Greg Barr, proposed their idea. Barr thought it was great, except one problem: there was no way in hell he was trading thin mints for Tim Tebow. Not a chance. Thin mints? No one gives up those. So he countered with Samoas. Idzik asked Rex what he thought and Rex pounded his fist on the table and said “Yes. LET’S GO GET SOME GOD DAMN SAMOAS!” And just like that, Tebow was gone. Off to Texas for a box of Samoas.

Lincoln coach Greg Barr: “Lincoln Middle School believes that every child should have the opportunity to attain his/her full potential. The Jets weren’t giving Tim a fair opportunity, so we saw a potential trade and jumped on it. Tim won’t come in as the starter, but he will be given the chance to start. We do really like what Billy Smith brings to our team. It should be a tight competition.”

So Tim Tebow’s playing for a 7th grade middle school football team, and he’s still not starting. But he’s okay with it. Tim: “I’m excited to join Lincoln. I’m excited to share with these kids my experiences sitting on a bench in the NFL. I would like to start, but I’m excited for a chance to compete. I’m just excited at what’s happened. It’s all a part of God’s plan, and I’m excited.”

As usual, Tim’s excited. And so is current Lincoln QB Billy Smith: “Never did I ever think I’d be competing with Tim Tebow to keep my job. This is awesome! It’s gonna be so much easier than facing an actual 7th grader. And Tim: I’m not like your previous competition, I’ve never buttfumbled. And I’ve had sex. I’m just better at life than you. Good luck.” The trash talk has begun. How will Tim respond? Is it time to UNLEASH Tim Tebow?

Soon Skip Bayless will be showing up at a middle school to cheer Tim Tebow. And as disturbing as that sounds, hopefully the police will be there to arrest him for being a predator shortly after that. And when that happens, we’ll have Girl Scout cookies to thank. So when those little girls show up to your door asking you to buy some cookies, just buy a couple boxes. Because you never know what it might lead to.


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    I coach at Lincoln and would love for him to come and speak to my athletes.
    He is a inspiration to all christians. God Bless Him
    Coach Barr
    Lincoln Middle School Coord.

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