If he somehow makes the Patriots, where should Tim Tebow play?


It’s the question everyone is asking (at least everyone at ESPN), where should Tim Tebow play? Should the Patriots keep him at QB? What about Fullback? Tight End? Water boy? Janitor? Team pastor? Cheerleader? There’s seemingly a plethora of places to put Tim Tebow. Let’s break it down by position.




The new Tebow jersey

Tim Tebow was drafted by his current OC Josh McDaniels as a QB in Denver. In the first round. Why? It could’ve been he lost a bet, he could’ve been experimenting with heroin and LSD, it could be that he and Tebow have a special secret behind the scenes”friendship.” No one really knows.  Is he a quarterback? If you like your quarterbacks throwing it into the dirt and 5 yards above receivers heads and tuck it and running for 4 “tough” yards, then sure. Otherwise: uh, no.


This is the position everyone has suggested that Tim Tebow should play, despite the fact that it’s pretty much gone the way of the VCR in the NFL (tells you a lot about Tebow’s future prospects). Tebow is  the 21st century Mike Alstott, if Mike Alstott had never touched a woman before and celebrated running 3 yards with a scream like he won the Super Bowl. Bill Belichick loves having options and screwing with people, so this could be a real one. Maybe. He’d list the possibility as “questionable.”

Tight End

Playing TE for the Patriots has been a bit of a curse lately. Rob Gronkowski’s needed surgery on every body part except for his brain (he’s too much of a bro for lobotomy) and Aaron Hernandez has been linked to approximately 278 murders and promptly released. So there’s a need here. The question is: is Tebow going to have a snowball’s chance in hell of trying to block a DE like JJ Watt? (you know you secretly are dying to see this) This may be the final answer for Tebow, as long as it’s part of God’s plan.

Water Boy

While not technically on the depth chart, this is a very real possibility for Tim. His alma mater created Gatorade, so you know he’d be full of “school spirit” while serving his fellow teammates some refreshing Gatorade, or “high quality” H2O. It allows him to be on the roster without participating in the R-rated violence he’s still not allowed to watch in movies. He could really make mama Tebow proud with this one. She still thinks playin “foosball” is “the devil.”


Tim Tebow the janitor? Why not? He’s always busy trying to clean up all of our sinful lives, this gives him an opportunity to be paid to do so. The benefit of this position is that he isn’t required to throw anything. And if he does throw something, he can just clean it right up. Imagine the breakdowns on SportsCenter: “The Patriots won 59-3 over the Jaguars, so let’s go to the highlights. Here’s an extremely impressive floor mopping by Tebow. Do you see his mop control? WOW. Truly the work of an MVP.”

Team Pastor

This seems like the most natural fit for Tebow. He’s the most kind, caring, deeply religious man in the world (according to his supporters), and he’s already leading the team in prayers, so he might as make it official. The only downside is he might try to circumcise some of the players in the locker room, which could be rather awkward. But gosh darnit, he’s just trying to help you mean guys lead better lives. Why do you have to always be so mean to him?


COME ON GUYS! LET’S BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE OUT THERE! GO TEAM! Tebow already SOUNDS like a cheerleader with some of his rants, so why not stick him with some pom poms and make him into the real thing? Give him one of those giant cheerleader megaphones and he can scream his little heart out. Problem is he’d be close to lots of scantily clad attractive women, which would scare him to death. So unless he can have his own sideline (which he might), this one’s probably out.


Our prediction is that he somehow (by the grace of God, of course) makes the roster and is a mixture of many if not all of these, including some ones we didn’t even mention (he does have a year of punt protecting under his belt). Again, Bill Belichick loves options and screwing with people, which is probably why he signed him to begin with. So Tebowmania will continue. And if it does, you can count on seeing a recreation of this at some point:


(Bart Scott voice) CAN’T WAIT!


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