REPORT: Aaron Hernandez linked to the death of Vine


Aaron Hernandez’ story gets weirder and weirder. He reportedly destroyed his cell phone and the surveillance equipment in his house. Seems he’s trying to hide something, no one knows exactly what yet. Maybe he and Tim Tebow are secretly gay lovers and police searching the footage would’ve uncovered that after Tebow recently joined the Patriots? You thought Jason Collins was a big deal, imagine that one? He’d be stalked by ESPN for life if that was revealed. You’d destroy all your stuff too.

But something was reportedly uncovered while the media bum rushed him at a gas station. (Sadly that part isn’t a joke.) According to a report, Aaron Hernandez is now being linked to the death of the video app Vine after being spotted on Instagram while at the gas station. Reporter on site: “I saw him playing with the new Instagram video and laughing after he fueled up with premium gas. He’s obviously laughing about how rich he is after being paid to kill off vine. What else could it be?”

The media is on top of it, as always. We had some questions for that reporter after he came to that conclusion. Like, how are you so sure it was him? “He’s a cold blooded killer…I heard he shot JFK. That bastard.” Uh…right. If he “killed” Vine, why does Vine still work? “It has no heartbeat anymore, it’ll be dead any minute.” (Apparently Vine had a heartbeat? Bet you didn’t know that.) How do you know it doesn’t have a heartbeat “anymore”? “Another reporter here told me, it must be true.” Standard media logic.

So when/if Vine eventually stops working, you know who is at fault. In fact, he’s guilty of everything. Lost your job? Blame Aaron Hernandez. Girlfriend dumped you? Aaron Hernandez strikes again. You got sick? Aaron Hernandez. The Heat won the Finals? All Aaron Hernandez. Who needs direct evidence and due process? Innocent till proven guilty? The constitution? All a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo. You know you can’t trust lawyers, right? (Our lawyer has advised us not to answer that.)

Poor Vine. It never saw Aaron Hernandez coming, and now it’s too late. RIP.

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