SOURCES: NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, & NCAA considering changing every team name to “The Humans”

Is something such as a football team’s nickname so important that it requires endless amount of debate? Some people apparently think so, because, again, this is the United States…all we do is debate over pointless crap every single day. Getting tired of hearing all the white people mad at all the other white people about something that offends none of them, the commissioners of all 4 major sports and the NCAA think they have a solution. According to well placed sources, you may soon become a big “Humans” fan.

It doesn’t matter what city, what sport, or even if it’s a professional league. Sources say Roger Goodell, David Stern, Bud Selig, Gary Bettman, and someone from the NCAA (he refused to be named for fear of more litigation from pissed off ex student-athletes) are considering changing every single team name in all of their leagues to “The Humans.” That way, no matter what, everyone will be equally “offended.” It doesn’t matter what they do with team names, someone’s going to be pissed off about it. Take the Washington Bullets change to the Wizards as a prime example. So why not just piss off everyone? It’s what Goodell, Stern, Selig, Bettman, and the NCAA do best anyway.

Because really, where does it stop? The New England Patriots are probably “offensive” to the British. The Chicago Bears are certainly “offensive” to large hairy gay men. The Miami Dolphins are no doubt “offensive” to Flipper. Calling footballs “pigskins” is clearly “offensive” to pigs. The Washington Wizards and Orlando Magic are probably “offensive” to Harry Potter (especially their play). The Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox are for sure “offensive” to black, brown, and all the other various colors of socks. The Winnipeg Jets are certainly “offensive” to airplanes and anybody that works for an airline. This solution makes everyone “offended” by everything. Very fair.

Sure it’ll get confusing, especially in cities with more than one team. Imagine the conversation.

“Dude, who’s your team?”

“The Humans, bro.”

“NO WAY! ME TOO! I love the New York Humans! What do you think of Geno Smith?”

“Wrong sport.”

“Oh…well what do you think of Matt Harvey coming off that surgery?

“Wrong team.”

“Oh you’re a NEW YORK Humans fan? Well you can suck it then. New York Humans for LIFE!”

The actual sports issues aren’t important, what’s important here is being very politically correct. What’s more politically correct than a sport where people literally try to kill each other on every single play like football or hockey? Exactly. Plus, imagine the secondary benefits? For example, Heat fans won’t even have to bandwagon jump anymore, they can just change the city when they tell people they’re a “Humans” fan. How convenient is that? They can stop having to take back all those 49ers, Bruins, and Michigan jerseys for Ravens, Blackhawks, and Louisville all the time. All they’ll need is a “Humans” jersey. You know David Stern loves making Heat fans happy.

This is a solution that works out for everyone, and as long as Gary Bettman doesn’t lock the rest of the commissioners out of the room when trying to finalize the deal or Bud Selig doesn’t insist that this somehow help determine home field in the World Series, it should work out just fine. Roger Goodell is reluctant because he think he’s going to run into problems offending aliens when he creates that expansion team on Mars, but that’s in the future. There’s always time to make more changes that everyone hates.

So get ready, you may be soon hearing confusing things like “The Humans Suck compared to the Humans! I’ve always hated the Humans, but the Humans rule!” Go Humans.

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