Falcons, Braves, Hawks all eliminated from the playoffs in 24 hours

What a wild 24 hours in Atlanta. It began with the hope of taking the Jets out behind the woodshed and beating them to a bloody pulp to turn the Falcon season around. It ended with Julio Jones’ doctors taking the Falcons out behind the woodshed and beating what little was left of their playoff dreams to a bloody pulp. In a span of 24 hours, the Falcons, Braves, and Hawks were all eliminated from the playoffs or playoff contention. The Hawks being eliminated is really wild because their season hadn’t even begun yet.

The Falcons can’t figure out how they pissed off God so badly to have him unleash this injury plague. Just about everyone not named Matt Ryan or Tony Gonzalez has gotten hurt, and both fear this will be like Final Destination and Injury Death will get them both in the end (don’t ride any roller coasters. Or go over any bridges. Or drive on any highways. Or ride on any busses. They may need to find a cave somewhere.). But despite their NFL playoff chances being dead, they haven’t given up home, reportedly applying to Conference USA. They think they can still beat teams like UTEP or UAB and make like the Beef O’ Brady’s Bowl or at least the Ferguson Toilet Bowl. Maybe.

But not even 2 hours after the Jets took down the Falcons (yes, that actually happened), the Braves went down in true Atlanta Brave fashion, giving up the game winning home run to a guy (Juan Uribe) who couldn’t even lay down a bunt, while Craig Kimbrel sat in the bullpen with his thumb up his butt wondering if Fredi Gonzalez would stop playing Angry Birds long enough to call him out of the pen. Fredi Gonzalez supposedly felt like he couldn’t get 6 outs, but he could get 4. So naturally, he got 0. And now the team is going fishing, while the Puigers Dodgers head to the NLCS, all over the fear of 2 extra outs. TWO. It was the worst performance by a Fredi since Freddy Got Fingered.

Not minutes after the Braves were eliminated, the Hawks were also eliminated from playoff contention, joining the Bobcats (http://notsportscenter.com/catseliminated/) as the first two teams eliminated. Reminder: the season hasn’t even started yet. But David Stern doesn’t care. “We felt it was in the best interest of the city of Atlanta to just eliminate them now, and spare them the pain of yet another first round exit. And that’s if they even get there,” Stern said. A source close to Stern says he’s going to try to get every even slightly possible threat to the Heat taken care of before he officially retires in February. So watch out Eastern Conference, David Stern is coming for you.

The Falcons, Braves, and Hawks. All done for. Dead. They’re still walking around, but they’re dead. They’re like the walking de…uh oh. Doesn’t the Walking Dead start in Atlanta? Oh crap. You probably should start preparing for the apocalypse. Before it’s too late.

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