Titans eliminated from playoff contention through 2022


There was a sequel to the Music City Miracle in Tennessee on Sunday: the 2013 Jaguars won a game. Really. They seriously won. Not making it up, promise. The worst team since the 2008 Lions (they were so bad the Jaguars beat them by 24. Yeah.) beat the Titans 29-27. As you might imagine, there are repercussions for losing to a team that would struggle against Savannah State. Roger Goodell decided that this officially eliminates the Titans from playoff contention. Not just for this year, for the next decade.

“Look, we can’t have teams in the playoffs that embarrass the shield like that,” a disgusted Goodell said. “I’d rather have a naked Peyton Manning get caught pissing on a cop while screaming the “f— the police, the NFL is king” than have a playoff team that lost to this Jaguar team. Actually, that Peyton Manning thing sounds like a pretty good marketing opportunity, I’ll have to call him. But about this Titan team, I’m taking a stand. No one loses to the Jaguars while I’m commissioner and lives to tell about it.”

What does the team think about all this? Chris Johnson released a statement through a Chris Johnson translator that roughly translates to “Tree cake lamp, sun blue 7.” He’s still struggling with English quite a bit. We asked Kenny Britt to give us a quote on this but he heard police sirens and took off running, seems he may have some other things going on. Bernard Pollard mentioned something about looking for some Patriot players to take his anger on (Tom Brady just peed a little reading this). Basically, they mad bro.

So the Titans have been officially shelved through 2022. Maybe if Jake Locker sits for 10 years, he’ll be healthy enough to play for all of 2023. But knowing Jake, he’ll tear a fingernail on his first pass and be out 6 to 8 months, so maybe not.  But one thing is for sure, being the answer to “Who screwed up so bad that they lost to the 2013 Jaguars at home?” is probably not the idea Denzel Washington had in mind when he said “Remember the Titans.”

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