REPORT: Tony Gonzalez dragged off Saints bus kicking and screaming

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: November 22, 2013

The Falcons almost almost ALMOST didn’t lose to the Saints. Almost. No, really. They were down by 4 and had an actual chance to win and everything. At least until they attempted a field goal with 2 minutes left and couldn’t even get that right. Why did a 2-8 team attempt a field goal down 4 instead of going for it? They were playing for the one point loss, of course. Sadly, a moral victory is as close as the Falcons are going to come to an actual victory at this point. And according to a report, it’s affecting the players.

After the game, Tony Gonzalez reportedly snuck on to the Saints’ team bus trying to go back to New Orleans with the team. After Drew Brees discovered him hidden in the luggage, he asked him to leave. Tony refused. “Take me with you please, I’m begging you,” Tony pleaded. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be seen as being affiliated with this team. I might as well call myself a Jacksonville Jaguar at this point. It’s probably less embarrassing. I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll scrub your underwear if I have to. PLEASE don’t make me stay.”

Tony begged and pleaded, even offering to do things we probably can’t mention on here (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But it was to no avail, as Tony was dragged off the bus kicking and screaming obscenities like how he’d “rather eat dog (poop) than be forced to watch the Falcons defense again” and threatened to out the Saints’ new revised bounty program. “I know!” Tony reportedly yelled. “I know what you’re doing! You think we’re all dumb enough to believe Rob Ryan is really that good? HA! HA HA!”

The Saints have since denied the allegation, with a spokesperson saying “Bounty? We don’t use paper towels. The only thing we use to clean is Tide. Haven’t you seen Brees’ commercial? We use it on everything, especially blood stains. It’s great at getting out QB blood. Cameron Jordan’s jersey is usually soaked in it, but after using Tide it’s as good as new and smells spring time fresh! It’s like he didn’t even behead that QB!” The Saints may have just stumbled on to Tide’s new slogan. Tide: it’s like you didn’t even behead that guy.

What will Gonzalez do for the last 5 games? Our sources tell us he’s looking to file for an “NFL annulment” saying that he was forced under duress to marry this team again and wants to have this season annulled. Will it work? Considering how things have gone for the Falcons this year, odds are the Judge will say “I hereby declare you Tony Gonzalez as having never plaHAHA JUST KIDDING YOU SUCK! LOSER! LOSER!” Sorry Tony. You went full Favre. Never go full Favre.