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REPORT: Entire UF and Miami rosters arrested

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When you think of the University of Florida and the University of Miami, you think of three things: felons, felons and more felons. Knowing this, the state of Florida’s police department took extra precaution when the two teams played a football game against each other in Miami. They didn’t call in the national guard or the SWAT team, but they definitely considered it. According to a report, as soon as the game ended, the police arrested the entire roster from both schools, realizing they were just going to end up in jail anyway.

“This is a situation we can’t take lightly,” a Florida police spokesman said before the game. “This is the biggest meeting of criminals in the state, just imagine the entire Corleone family on the field at once. There are so many future Aaron Hernandezes out there we can’t even keep track of them all. So we’re just going to arrest all of them for the “safety” of the community, but mainly to make it easier on us. The less work we have to do, the better. We might even arrest some fans too, just for the fun of it.” Don’t you just love cops?

But the “safety” of the community isn’t the only thing Florida police are concerned about. The spokesman continued, “Plus they’ve got some damn good weed and coke hook ups and we’re looking to party tonight. Being a cop while high is so much fun, you have no idea. I pulled a guy over for doing 95 in a 70, and he was only actually going 62. He got pissed so I threw in police brutality on top and now he’s serving 10 years for it. HAHAHAHA.” Again, don’t you just love cops? Protect and piss us off should be their official motto.

Without Urban Meyer’s police connections, getting the Florida roster out on bail could prove a little more difficult, but a certain network that owns SEC broadcast rights can help out with that. They’ll probably want to leave Jeff Driskel in jail though. Miami’s football team being in jail on the other hand, isn’t even a concern. 99% of the city of Miami won’t even know they aren’t on the field. Even the 8 fans in attendance will be like “Wow, we’ve really improved lately!” while watching thin air play against the rest of the ACC.

Maybe they’ll let Duke Johnson out though, that guy’s pretty good. Otherwise just leave ‘em all in there. Aaron Hernandez needs more teammates.

 

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