Vladimir Putin offers TJ Oshie $500 Billion to join KHL


Sochi — Every player that has ever donned the jersey of their national team has dreamed of the moment when they were able to win the game and shower in the adoration of their country.

TJ Oshie may be showering in much more than that soon.

As you can see below, the star of the 2014 Miracle was very busy in the shootout against Russia:

(Video via

A couple hours after Oshie harnessed his inner America (f— yeah!)  to help Team USA beat Russia 3-2 (if you haven’t seen, don’t miss our Top 10 funniest tweets from the game: ), sources revealed that Russian president/dictator/demigod Vladimir Putin had offered Oshie $500 billion (with a B) to “retire” from the St. Louis Blues and join the KHL.

“I think it’s fair offer,” Putin told reporters. “He can have whatever he want: Money, fame, women, land, nuclear weapons, drugs, whatever. All he has to do is tell NHL he retire now and join KHL. Easy, yes?”

NOTSC was unable to meet with Oshie to find out what he thought about the deal, since the line of eager women (and some hopeful men) extended from his apartment to someplace far outside the Olympic Village. However, we were able to meet with some of his teammates and hear from them.

“He won’t leave,” LA Kings goalie Jonathan Quick told us. “America is much better than this place. Besides, American women are much prettier than Russian women, ya know what I’m saying?” As you can see below, Quick has a point.


Oshie’s girlfriend, Lauren Cosgrove. Made in America baby.

“I don’t know if he’ll go, to be honest,” Team USA captain Zach Parise said. “I mean, I convinced [Ryan] Suter to dump Nashville for a bunch of money, so maybe he’ll go if someone convinces him?”

“I got a trade offer from Russia right after the game where they’re willing to give me [Ilya] Kovalchuk and [Alexander] Radulov for him,” Dan Bylsma revealed to us. “I’m always looking to make a deal, so maybe we can work something out.”

The inclusion of Radulov isn’t surprising, considering that both of Team USA’s regulation goals came off his poor play. Sources say that if Radulov doesn’t get his act together, Mongolia might find that they’ll have a player to build their national team around.

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