SOURCE: Walmart interested in Carlos Marmol


The Cubs have done it, they’ve finally designated Carlos Marmol for assignment. Apparently the 182427438th chance was one time too many for the team. You know what they say, you don’t really know about someone until you’ve given them 182 million chances to prove themselves. So who is going to take the plunge on this train wreck? Would another major league team really give him a chance to lose dozens of games for them? Amazingly, it’s actually happened before, just last year. Seriously.

In 2012, Carlos Marmol was almost an Angel. Then, by the grace of God (for the Angels) he wasn’t. So then the Cubs were stuck with the guy and they didn’t know what to do. They tried him in every inning possible. Marmol’s powers are so strong he managed to blow saves in games they were trailing. Luckily for them, they may have a new suitor. And not surprisingly it’s not an actual big league club. Or a minor league club. Or even a company softball team. It’s the soulless corporation known as: Walmart.

Yes, according to a well-placed source, Walmart is interested in acquiring Carlos Marmol. They don’t know what they’re willing to give up (they’re thinking a can of coke, but that might be too much. Maybe a can of Dr. Thunder. Cheaper.), but they love how he never closes either. It’s a perfect fit for their stores and labor practices. Now they have someone they can pay 25 cents an hour and work literally all night, handling those fun 4:30 a.m. shifts for the drunk college kids wanting food. He’s used to not closing.

“Thanks for coming to Walmart. All are welcome! All are welcome!” Soon you could see Carlos Marmol saying these words instead of the elderly lady who could probably strikeout more batters and save more games than Marmol if given the opportunity. But since it’s Carlos Marmol, the Cubs will likely never be able to close a deal with anyone for him. Even the waiver wire will probably say “nah we’re not interested.” It certainly wouldn’t surprise Cubs fans. Or anyone else in baseball. It’s the Cubs, after all.

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