REPORT: Katherine Webb left AJ McCarron for “that returner guy”

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: December 2, 2013

As you may have heard by now (unless you live with Warren Sapp and can’t afford internet, TV, phone, or even a newspaper), Auburn beat Alabama on a wild missed field goal return by Auburn’s Chris Davis (Our recap in GIFs of the madness: http://notsportscenter.com/auburnlololol/). It basically took the stroke of God, but Alabama finally lost. Apparently Nick Saban’s deal with the devil ran out before the game and he didn’t think he needed to re-new the contract to beat Auburn or Missouri. Oops.

As you can see below, Katherine met with AJ McCarron after the game, appearing to console the poor thing of having to settle for potentially an Orange Bowl after 2 straight national titles.

(GIF via @SBNationGIF)

“I’m sorry…you aren’t going to win the lottery 3 times in a row. Poor baby.” Brutal, isn’t it? What a rough life for AJ, Alabama, and Nick Saban.

Well, according to a report, she only consoled AJ briefly. She then mentioned something about “needing to go” and that she’d come see him later, because they “needed to talk.” Uh oh. There’s nothing scarier than a woman tells you “we need to talk.” It’s scarier than watching Freddy Kreuger, Jason, Damien, the human Centipede, every Saw movie (including the 17 they’ll make after it “comes back”), the Exorcist, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the Ring, Paranormal Activity, and Houston Astros highlights combined.

AJ met up with her later for coffee at Starbucks, where millions of cups of coffee are served and relationship murders are committed each day. This day was no exception. While drinking her Pumpkin Spice Latte and wearing snow boots in 60 degree weather, Katherine said she was leaving him. She said “It’s not you, it’s me.” AJ kept pressing, wanting to know for who. Webb said “I’m just really busy right now and I don’t have time for a relationship.” AJ laughed and said “Busy? Doing what? Being a giant stereotype?”

He kept questioning her. After running out of stereotypical female lies, Webb finally cracked and admitted it.

This was reportedly how the rest of the conversation went down:

-Webb: “It’s that sideline returner guy. What’s his name? Carl I think?”

-AJ: “You mean the Auburn player that scored? Number 11?”

-Webb: “Yeah, him. That sounds right.”

-AJ: “It’s Chris Davis.”

-Webb: “Are you sure? I swear it’s Carl. He’s grown up to be so cute.”

-AJ: “You’re thinking of the Walking Dead genius. It’s Chris Davis. Google it.”

-Webb: “Oh. Well whoever he is, he just seems so nice.”

-AJ: “Would that be because he won the game and will get tons of publicity for it?”

-Webb: “No. Publicity? Why would I be interested in such a thing?”

-AJ: “Because your 15 minutes ran out 6 months ago?”

-Webb: “15 minutes? What 15 minutes? We’ve been here a lot longer than 15 minutes.”

-AJ: “Sigh.”

-Webb: “Look I told you I don’t care about publicity. I’m only considering Playboy because it’s artsy and classy.”

-AJ: “Riiiiiiight. So why does Carl/Chris Davis seem so nice?”

-Webb: “He mentioned something about bending me over and showing me the 50 states. That’s exciting! I always wanted to see Alaska.”

-AJ: “Uh maybe you should watch Horrible Bos…never mind. Good luck with that. Have fun in “Alaska.” I’m out.”

And with that, AJ left Starbucks and his former Miss Alabama girlfriend and went home to be consoled by the 3 side piece chicks Webb never knew anything about. One was a cousin of his, but she was a 2nd cousin. No biggie. Cousins aren’t even relatives under Alabama law, especially not 2nd cousins, so he’s fine. And who knows, considering the BS the BCS likes to pull, we could somehow see another rematch title game, and if McCarron wins that, he’ll have Webb right back. It’s the circle of gold digging life.