Post Week 15 NFL Power Rankings

Power rankings: the most argued and debated thing in sports that means literally absolutely nothing. People get pissed off and make crazy death threats against people because “my team should be #7 instead of #9…I’ll kill you…I’ll kill all of you!!!!” No one’s opinion about who the best team in the NFL is matters, the only thing that matters is winning the Super Bowl, but we all need something pointless to argue about because this is America after all. Arguing about pointless stuff is what we do (see also: politics).

 

But on that note, here’s our NFL power rankings for after Week 15!

1. Auburn Tigers (Last Week: 1. Tre Mason says this team is “better than Cam Newton’s championship team,” which begs the question, how much is he “not” being paid? He wasn’t a free agent like Newton, so does he get less for being homegrown talent?)

 

2. Seattle Seahawks (Last Week: 3. They ate the Giants and spit them out and move back up to number 2. But until Jesus himself scores the game winning TD for this team, or Florida State crushes Auburn like a sledgehammer meeting a fly (or both), they stay behind God’s chosen ones.)

 

3-26. A bunch of NFL teams (Last Week 4-27. Peyton Manning started playing like he’s in the playoffs early by losing to the Chargers at home, so they’re back in the pack.)

 

27. Florida State Seminoles (Last Week: 28. Jameis Winston moves the Noles up a spot without playing for actually making the video below seem funny.)

That Top 10 was just…sad. It wasn’t bad, it was just sad. So much potential just pissed down the toilet, like the Houston Texans this year. We think our followers can write better stuff. And we may ask you to, so stay tuned.

 

28. Hogwarts (Last Week: 29. Still hanging with FSU after Greg Hardy’s big secret was revealed that he went here. Gotta beat the Cool Brees bunch to stay here though. If the Rams and Jets can at home, surely the Carolina Hogwarts can. If they don’t, Cam’s going to start crying again, and nobody wants that much rain when it’s 20 degrees out.)

 

29. Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: 4-27. They fell out of the pack after their playoff dream below died. So close.)

What had better odds: this happening, you winning Mega Millions, or Tim Tebow becoming an NFL starting QB again?

If you answered “none of the above, they’re all impossible” you are CORRECT!

 

30-147. The other 118 FBS football programs (Last Week: 30-147.)

 

148-269. 121 FCS football programs (Last Week: 148-269.)

 

270-438. 169 Division II football schools (Last Week: 270-438.)

 

439. Blue Mountain State (Last Week: 439. If this school played the Florida Gators in the “Ferguson Toilet Bowl” would you watch? Of course you would, and you’d probably bet on it. You may have a problem. We do too.)

Again we ask, would you watch this? If your answer is anything but “Hell @%$248 %*@$@ *@$@(-in yeah I would!” you probably have the wrong website. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

 

440. Little Giants (Last Week: 1491. Big big jump for Junior Floyd’s boys, rumors are still circulating that he could take over for Eli. But can you hear that? That’s the sound of Giant fans saying “But Eli has 2 ringz thooooooo” to which we say “But Eli has 6 million interceptions thooooooo.”)

 

441. Los Angeles Temptation (Last Week: 441. Why do we keep referencing this team? See below.)

 

This is the Los Angeles Temptation, winners of LFL’s Lingerie Bowl 9. Get it now? Would you rather hear something about them you don’t get, or look at them? Exactly.

 

442. New York Giants (Last Week: 3-28. You can recap the Giants’ game against the Seahawks with one word: INTERCEPTED! Eli threw 5, although it seemed like 500. So they’ve tumbled behind the Little Giants and the LFL chicks. UPDATE: Eli just got picked off again.)

 

443-1489. A bunch of DIII schools and the other Lingerie Football League teams and some fraternity intramural teams and high school teams (Last Week: 442-1488)

 

1490. LeBron and 10 guys off the street (Last Week: 1489. Considering this would be like the Heat, LeBron and 10 officials, we should probably move them much higher.)

 

1491. Dillon Panthers (Last week: 1492. This is what we said last week: “Again, coach Taylor is easily the best coach in Texas at any level. Let him coach the Cowboys. He wouldn’t leave holes the size of the Grand Canyon in the defense.” Should’ve listened Cowboys. Should’ve listened.)

Cowboys fan explains to his children what happened:

And now we’ve got to deal with Global Warming. Thanks Cowboys.

 

1492. Savannah State Tigers (Last Week: 1493. According to a source, since they can’t sell their football team for money in the offseason, they’ll be turning tricks instead. Maybe doing that they won’t lose 63-0 or ask for a running clock. Whoever pays probably will though.)

 

1493-99997. All the other high school teams, YMCA teams, pee wee teams, senior league teams, powder puff teams, groups of people that can spell “football”, groups of people who know Peyton Manning outside of being a commercial whore, groups of 12 year olds who “pwn bitches” in Madden (Last Week: 1493-99997)

 

99998. Thin Air (Last Week: Not on the chart at all. It turns out this “team” won and played many games at USC, Ohio State, Penn State, etc and could definitely beat some of the other teams on this list.)

 

99999. Washington Redskin Potatoes (Last Week: 99998. They’re teetering on the brink of falling off this list without losing to the Jaguars, which would be the highlight of their season.)

Updated Redskin Potatoes team photo:

Oh, the humanity.

 

(50 feet of crap)

 

Not Ranked: Oakland A’s (Last Week: Not Ranked. STILL holding steady right below Brad Pitt’s 50 feet of crap. We’ll let Brad explain it for us. See below.)

 

Thanks Brad. Now let’s wrap this thing up.

 

Not Ranked but permanently below the A’s because they lost to the Jaguars:

-1 below the A’s: Tennessee Titans (Last Week: NR but 1 below the A’s. They had another music city miracle! They rallied from down 17 to tie the game with some onside kick magic, and so naturally you know what happened with Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB. They lost.)

-2 below the A’s: Cleveland Browns (Last Week: NR but 2 below the A’s. They scored 2 defensive touchdowns and were a garbage time TD away from still losing by double digits. Cleveland fans shouldn’t even be mad at this point, that’s just impressive.)

-3 below the A’s: Houston Texans (Last Week: NR but 3 below the A’s. Vanilla Ice performed at halftime of their second game of the season. They have yet to win a game since. They may never win again. #TheCurseOfVanillaIce)

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