Post Week 13 NFL Power Rankings


Power rankings: the most argued and debated thing in sports that means literally absolutely nothing. People get pissed off and make crazy death threats against people because “my team should be #7 instead of #9…I’ll kill you…I’ll kill all of you!!!!” No one’s opinion about who the best team in the NFL is matters, the only thing that matters is winning the Super Bowl, but we all need something pointless to argue about because this is America after all. Arguing about pointless stuff is what we do (see also: politics).


But on that note, after taking a couple weeks off, here’s our power rankings for after Week 13!

1. Auburn Tigers (Three Weeks Ago: 32-149. Yes, they’re number 1. Have you seen their last 2 games? It’s obvious at this point that God himself would come down, take the ball from Seattle and score the winning TD for Auburn if they played.)


2. Seattle Seahawks (Three Weeks Ago: 3-28.  Of course people from Seattle will be pissed off about not being number 1, but sorry your pinball off of bad TE hands TDs are no match for Auburn’s stroke of God TDs.)


3. Denver Broncos (Three Weeks Ago: 2. John Fox is back just in time to start kneeling on the ball in some key situations. Gotta be careful when you have the best QB in the league not named Nick Foles (let’s face it Foles = Montana+Brady+Marino+Manning all in one) after all.)


4-27. A bunch of NFL teams (Three Weeks Ago: 3-28. The NFL cluster continues to be a clusterf—, just like the whole league this year.)


28. Florida State Seminoles (Three Weeks Ago: 30. The clear best team in college football still isn’t the number 1 college football team on the list. They just can’t catch a break. #NotInTheSECProblems)


29. Jacksonville Jaguars (Three Weeks Ago: 1495. They’re in the NFL level for the first time all year. Insanity. But after they beat the Texans on Thursday, they’ll have done just enough to screw up blowing for Bridgewater and will instead have to settle for their next future bust QB like Brett Hundley. That’s true Jaguar style.)


30-147. The other 118 FBS football programs (Three Weeks Ago: 32-149.)


148-269. 121 FCS football programs (Three Weeks Ago: 150-271.)


270-438. 169 Division II football schools (Three weeks Ago: 272-440.)


439. Blue Mountain State (Three Weeks Ago: 441. Johnny Manziel was devastated when he learned he couldn’t transfer here, but has asked the SEC to expand for them anyway. Will the SEC start swallowing up canceled TV shows? Probably. It’s all a part of their SEC World Domination plan.)


440. Hogwarts (Three Weeks Ago: 442. They are the Duke of this list. Nobody has any idea how they continue to stay on here, yet here they are. Luckily for them, they won’t have to get hammered by Florida State, although the ACC has been rumored to have interest in another potential 4-8 school, so you never know.)


441. Los Angeles Temptation (Three Weeks Ago: 443. We’ve made reference to this team several times and don’t have a single clue who actually plays on it. But you know, hot chicks, football, lingerie. That’s about all you need to know about the LFL.)


442. Atlanta Falcons (Three Weeks Ago: 3-28. Why couldn’t this team have traded Tony Gonzalez back to the Chiefs and completed the Tony Gonzalez circle of life? Damn you Atlanta Falcons. Damn you. You shouldn’t be allowed to draft Clowney now.)


443-1489. A bunch of DIII schools and the other Lingerie Football League teams and some fraternity intramural teams and high school teams (Three Weeks Ago: 445-1491)


1490. Miami Heat (Three Weeks Ago: 1492. At this point we’d rather see the Heat than whoever winds up with the 6th seed in the AFC. Next on SportsCenter: Is LeBron the best football player in the AFC? We’ll tell you what he tweeted that makes us say: YES!)


1491. Little Giants (Three Weeks Ago: 1493. Juicing, bullying, now there’s rumors of players “texting and biking” and an Icebox “kissing” tape. HBO needs to take Hard Knocks here.)


1492. Dillon Panthers (Three Weeks Ago: 1494. Coach Taylor is easily the best coach in Texas at any level. Let him coach the Cowboys. #ClearEyesFullHeartsCantGo8and8again)


1493. Savannah State Tigers (Three Weeks Ago: NR but 1 below the A’s. They moved up without winning. We feel sorry for them at this point. Blame Drake.)


1494. Washington Redskin Potatoes (Three Weeks Ago: 3-28. Why is everyone outraged? The name clearly means potatoes. And had this team converted their second first down before fourth down on Sunday they might not be this low. Remember the downs now go: first first, second, second first, fourth. Don’t even ask how you get to third.)


1495-99999. All the other high school teams, YMCA teams, pee wee teams, senior league teams, powder puff teams, groups of people that can spell “football”, groups of people who know Peyton Manning outside of being a commercial whore, groups of 12 year olds who “pwn bitches” in Madden (Three Weeks Ago: 1496-100000)


(50 feet of crap)


Not Ranked: Oakland A’s (Three Weeks Ago: Not Ranked. STILL holding steady right below Brad Pitt’s 50 feet of crap. They’re staying here permanently. If you don’t get the reference, do yourself a favor and watch Moneyball. If you gloss over how it makes no mention whatsoever of the amazing pitching staff they had, it’s a pretty good movie.)


Not Ranked but permanently below the A’s because they lost to the Jaguars:

-1 below the A’s: Tennessee Titans (Three Weeks Ago: NR but 2 below the A’s. At least they have some company down here now. One more team and they can have a playoff to determine the who is the biggest joke team of all the joke teams that lost to the Jags.)

-2 below the A’s: Cleveland Browns (Three Weeks Ago: 3-28. They thought they had a chance at the Plahahahaha yeah right.)

-3 below the A’s: Houston Texans (Three Weeks Ago: 3-28. The last time they won it was baseball season, and in Houston it’s never baseball season. Yeah. It’s been a while.)




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