Post Week 14 NFL Power Rankings


Power rankings: the most argued and debated thing in sports that means literally absolutely nothing. People get pissed off and make crazy death threats against people because “my team should be #7 instead of #9…I’ll kill you…I’ll kill all of you!!!!” No one’s opinion about who the best team in the NFL is matters, the only thing that matters is winning the Super Bowl, but we all need something pointless to argue about because this is America after all. Arguing about pointless stuff is what we do (see also: politics).


But on that note, here’s our NFL power rankings for after Week 14!

1. Auburn Tigers (Last Week: 1. The luckiest team in recorded history rushed for about 10 billion yards on Missouri, and hasn’t stopped rushing. If you see a blur come flying through your home/bar, that’s just Tre Mason piling up more yards. Therefore they stay on top.)


2. Denver Broncos (Last Week: 3. Peyton Manning threw for 400 yards and 4 TDs in about 15 degree weather. Imagine what he could do if he could “play in the cold”? Or “in the playoffs”? Too soon on that last one?)


3. Seattle Seahawks (Last Week: 2. You lose, you drop. This is how power rankings and the BCS work. No one cares if you’re the “better team” or “on the road” or “lost on a fluke” or “got robbed by the refs because I couldn’t possibly get beaten by somebody because I’m Richard Sherman and I’m better than all of you.” You lose, you drop.)


4-27. A bunch of NFL teams (Last Week 4-27. For the first time all year, the Jaguars are in here, having won 4 games, and played themselves right into a first round punter instead of Teddy Bridgewater. Aren’t you proud guys?)


28. Florida State Seminoles (Last Week: 28. They spotted Duke a quarter and won 45-7, unlocking the “screw around for as long as possible and still win by 30″ achievement)


29. Hogwarts (Last Week: 440. They move up purely on street cred, after it was revealed that Panthers DE Greg Hardy went here. If you missed, see below.)



30-147. The other 118 FBS football programs (Last Week: 30-147.)


148-269. 121 FCS football programs (Last Week: 148-269.)


270-438. 169 Division II football schools (Last Week: 270-438.)


439. Blue Mountain State (Last Week: 439. This school could easily win the Big East Dumpster Fire American Athletic Conference. What a way to bring the TV show back too.)


440. Los Angeles Temptation (Last Week: 441. Why do we keep referencing this team? See below.)



This is the Los Angeles Temptation, winners of LFL’s Lingerie Bowl 9. Get it now?


441. Atlanta Falcons (Last Week: 442. This team was about 6 yards from a Super Bowl last year. They’re now about 6 light years from one.)


442-1488. A bunch of DIII schools and the other Lingerie Football League teams and some fraternity intramural teams and high school teams (Last Week: 443-1489)


1489. LeBron and 10 guys off the street (Last Week: 1490. This was the “Miami Heat”, but the other members besides LeBron declined to keep trying football. Besides, isn’t the Heat just LeBron and 10 guys  no one can name anyway? That’s what they are to Heat fans.)


1490. Little Giants (Last Week: 1491. The way Eli’s been playing, many people would prefer if the Little Giants’ QB Junior Floyd would start for the Giants. Many aka their fans, coaches, teammates, Eli’s family members, possibly even Eli himself.)


Could Junior Floyd go from quarterbacking the Little Giants to the New York Giants? Is it even a promotion?


1491. Dillon Panthers (Last week: 1492. Again, coach Taylor is easily the best coach in Texas at any level. Let him coach the Cowboys. He wouldn’t leave holes the size of the Grand Canyon in the defense. #ClearEyesFullHeartsCantGo8and8again)


1492. Savannah State Tigers (Last Week: 1493. They were ranked ahead of Ohio State in the Final BCS poll! Start the parade! Seriously, see below for yourself.)



1493-99997. All the other high school teams, YMCA teams, pee wee teams, senior league teams, powder puff teams, groups of people that can spell “football”, groups of people who know Peyton Manning outside of being a commercial whore, groups of 12 year olds who “pwn bitches” in Madden (Last Week: 1495-99999)

99998. Washington Redskin Potatoes (Last Week: 1494. Mike Shanahan skin color/Washington Terror level update: Bright, bright, bright Red. He may get fired before you finish reading this, because they’re about a toenail away from falling off the rankings and giving a top 3 pick to the Rams. )


(50 feet of crap)


Not Ranked: Oakland A’s (Last Week: Not Ranked. STILL holding steady right below Brad Pitt’s 50 feet of crap. We’ll let Brad explain it for us. See below.)



Thanks Brad. Now let’s wrap this thing up.


Not Ranked but permanently below the A’s because they lost to the Jaguars:

-1 below the A’s: Tennessee Titans (Last Week: NR but 1 below the A’s. Denver toyed with this team like the Titans were a cat and the Broncos had a ball of string. And they still won by 23. Bad kitty that’s MY pot pie! *Cartman voice*)

-2 below the A’s: Cleveland Browns (Last Week: NR but 2 below the A’s. They had a 26-14 lead on the Patriots with less than 2 minutes left in the game, so you know what happened. They lost.)

-3 below the A’s: Houston Texans (Last Week: NR but 3 below the A’s. As if losing to the Jaguars isn’t embarrassing enough, they got SWEPT by them, and Kubiak was promptly fired. Texans owner Bob McNair: “No one gets swept by the Jags and lives to tell about it. He’s lucky I only fired him.” They’ll be lucky if they ever escape this spot.)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>