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Post Week 4 NFL Power Rankings

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Power rankings: the most argued and debated thing in sports that means literally absolutely nothing. People get pissed off and make crazy death threats against people because “my team should be #7 instead of #9…I’ll kill you…I’ll kill all of you!!!!” No one’s opinion about who the best team in the NFL is matters, the only thing that matters is winning the Super Bowl, but we all need something pointless to argue about because this is America after all. Arguing about pointless stuff is what we do (see also: politics).

 

But on that note, here’s our power rankings for after Week 4!

1. Denver Broncos (Last Week: 1. Someone’s going to have to de-program the Peyton Manning cyborg for them to drop. Good luck with that.)

 

2. Seattle Seahawks (Last Week: 2. Holding steady thanks to Richard Sherman picking 6 toppings on his Matt Schaub burger. Cutting it close though.)

 

3-27. A bunch of NFL teams (Last Week: 3-28. Uh oh. Someone dropped. But who? Hint: It’s not Wes Welker, but good guess.)

 

28. Alabama Crimson tide (Last Week: 29. They’re ahead of 5 NFL teams now, and close to clinching the NFC East.)

 

29. Blue Mountain State (Last Week: 441. This jump is fueled by rumors of Johnny Manziel potentially transferring here.)

 

30. Oakland Raiders (Last Week: 444. A 414 rank jump off of a loss, by far the highlight of their season.)

 

31-149. The other 119 FBS football programs (Last Week: 31-149)

 

150-271. 121 FCS football programs (Last Week: 150-271)

 

272-440. 169 Division II football schools (Last Week: 272-440)

 

441. Dillon Panthers (Last Week: 442. Even after being cancelled, they’re moving up. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts…can’t lose!)

 

442. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last Week: somewhere in the 3-28 group, they’re headed south fast. And furious. Hey an idea for another sequel!)

 

443. Los Angeles Temptation (Last Week: 443. The ladies of L.A. won’t be happy about this, but then again, they wouldn’t be happy no matter where we put them.)

 

444. Little Giants (Last Week: 1492. A big jump. At least some team named the Giants is actually playing well.)

 

445-1491. A bunch of DIII schools and the other Lingerie Football League teams and some fraternity intramural teams and high school teams (Last Week: 445-1491)

 

1492. Hogwarts (Last Week: Not on the chart. But Harry Potter’s boys are learning wizardry like making WR’s disappear with the ball and re-appear in the end zone. Watch out Peyton.)

 

1493. Savannah State Tigers (Last Week: 1493. They didn’t move up or down, which in Savannah State’s book, is a win. Too bad they don’t get paid for it.)

 

1494. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last Week: 30. After losing to Matt Cassel in London, Big Ben says this team is the worst in the NFL. There’s two he’s forgetting.)

 

1495-99999. All the other high school teams, YMCA teams, pee wee teams, senior league teams, powder puff teams, groups of people that can spell “football” in the U.S. (Last ¬†Week: 1495-99999)

 

100000. New York Giants (Last Week: 1494. The Giants dropped all the way into the 6 digit rankings. At this point you reading this article could score on this team. But Antrel Rolle says they can go 12-0 to finish the season. No really, he does. Google it.)

 

(50 feet of crap)

 

Not Ranked: Oakland A’s (Last Week: Not Ranked. Holding steady right below Brad Pitt’s 50 feet of crap, which is amazing because it probably smells.)

 

Not Ranked but 1 below the A’s: Texas Rangers (Last Week: Not on the chart, but they need something to do with no World Series to blow this year.)

 

Not Ranked but 2 below the A’s: Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: NR but 1 below the A’s. Even baseball teams are blowing by the Jags. It’s getting ugly out here.)

One Comment

  1. Luke

    at

    LoL, you guys are funny…

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