Post Week 5 NFL Power Rankings


Power rankings: the most argued and debated thing in sports that means literally absolutely nothing. People get pissed off and make crazy death threats against people because “my team should be #7 instead of #9…I’ll kill you…I’ll kill all of you!!!!” No one’s opinion about who the best team in the NFL is matters, the only thing that matters is winning the Super Bowl, but we all need something pointless to argue about because this is America after all. Arguing about pointless stuff is what we do (see also: politics).


But on that note, here’s our power rankings for after Week 5!

1. Denver Broncos (Last Week: 1. After his interception against the Cowboys, Peyton Manning is only on a 64 TD, 3 INT pace now. Scrub.)


2. New Orleans Saints (Last Week: 3-27. Rob Ryan’s done wonders for the New Orleans defense, which means there will be a bounty investigation any minute now.)


3-27. A bunch of NFL teams (Last Week: 3-27.  Someone jumped back into the pack ahead of Alabama. Who? And someone else dropped out. Who? Megan, my co worker. Who? Seriously? You’ve met her like 3 times. Who? Ugh…)


28. Alabama Crimson tide (Last Week: 28. They’re still only ahead of 5 NFL teams. Fire Saban.)


29. Little Giants (Last Week: 444. They continue to move any higher, they’re gonna have to take the New York Giants’ place. They could definitely win the NFC East.)


30. Blue Mountain State (Last Week: 29. A one spot drop…too much partying. Wait…what are we saying? Not ENOUGH partying.)


31-149. The other 119 FBS football programs (Last Week: 31-149)


150-271. 121 FCS football programs (Last Week: 150-271)


272-440. 169 Division II football schools (Last Week: 272-440)


441. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last Week: 442, The Bucs actually didn’t lose OR drop this week, they moved up! Granted they didn’t play, but still. Give Schiano a raise!)


442. Los Angeles Temptation (Last Week: 443. There’s talk of hiring Tim Tebow as QB coach and the ladies are excited about learning how to truly throw like a girl.)


443. Dillon Panthers (Last Week: 441. Dropped two spots…there’s controversy in Dillon. That damn JD McCoy, so much trouble.)


444. Savannah State Tigers (Last Week: 1493. A 1049 spot jump! It’s the best week in Savannah State history! We accept cash, check, or charge for doing this. Get to it.)


445-1491. A bunch of DIII schools and the other Lingerie Football League teams and some fraternity intramural teams and high school teams (Last Week: 445-1491)


1492. Hogwarts (Last Week: 1492. Harry Potter’s boys are holding steady. Much like the team in Jacksonville, they’re still learning what a football is.)


1493. Atlanta Falcons: (Last Week: 3-27. Losing to the Jets at home still has dire consequences even with Sanchez gone. But hey…choking for Clowney is possible now?)


1494-99998. All the other high school teams, YMCA teams, pee wee teams, senior league teams, powder puff teams, groups of people that can spell “football” in the U.S. (Last  Week: 1495-99999)


99999. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last Week: 1494. The Steelers drop in a similar fashion to the Giants last week, and like the Giants last week, still think they can make the playoffs. Better hurry and apply to a YMCA flag football league.)


(50 feet of crap)


Not Ranked: Oakland A’s (Last Week: Not Ranked. Still holding steady right below Brad Pitt’s 50 feet of crap. They must have no sense of smell.)


Not Ranked but 1 below the A’s: New York Giants (Last Week: 100000. The Giants have dropped all the way off the chart even below a baseball team. (insert Eli ManningFace here) )


Not Ranked but 2 below the A’s: Texas Rangers (Last Week: NR but 1 below the A’s. Even in the offseason the Rangers keep dropping.)


Not Ranked but 3 below the A’s: Miami Heat (Last Week: Not on the Chart. LeBron’s potential as a TE puts them on the list. Time for 97 hours of discussion about whether he chose the right sport.)


Not Ranked but 4 below the A’s: Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: NR but 2 below the A’s. Football, baseball, basketball…is there anyone that won’t pass the Jags? Probably not. At this point their twitter would tweet us to stay classy, to which we’d say: “it’s just stats. Made up stats, but it’s just stats.”)

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