Post Week 7 NFL Power Rankings


Power rankings: the most argued and debated thing in sports that means literally absolutely nothing. People get pissed off and make crazy death threats against people because “my team should be #7 instead of #9…I’ll kill you…I’ll kill all of you!!!!” No one’s opinion about who the best team in the NFL is matters, the only thing that matters is winning the Super Bowl, but we all need something pointless to argue about because this is America after all. Arguing about pointless stuff is what we do (see also: politics).


But on that note, here’s our power rankings for after Week 7!

1. Kansas City Chiefs (Last Week: 1. The last undefeated team in the NFL. Who didn’t see that coming? You know, besides everyone.)


2. Denver Broncos (Last Week: 2. We’re leaving them at 2 just so people can argue about why they’re #2 in a parody power ranking list. You know they will too.)


3-28. A bunch of NFL teams (Last Week: 3-29. Someone dropped out of the cluster. Who? Hint: After this week, they’re feeling a little blue. Or purple. Or red. One of those.)


29. Florida State Seminoles (Last Week: 33-151. After what they did Saturday, Clemson isn’t going to walk right for a few months. They moved up so they don’t do it to us.)


30. Alabama Crimson Tide (Last Week: 30. Alabama’s ahead of 4 NFL teams but behind a college team. Must be the BCS’ fault. )


31. Little Giants (Last Week: 31. STILL the best team with the name “Giants” in it. But Eli’s pushing hard. Imagine THAT Manning Face.)


32. New York Giants (Last Week: Not Ranked but 3 below the A’s. No Eli picks and a win = huge jump. The “QB” they faced kinda helped, so they stay here. Watch them start 0-6 and win the NFC East. In that division anything is possible, except actual professional caliber football.)


33-150. The other 118 FBS football programs (Last Week: 33-151. FSU slipped out, maybe if Oregon bends UCLA over the way FSU did Clemson, they will too.)


151-272. 121 FCS football programs (Last Week: 152-273. FCS moves up 1, and they didn’t even have to pay to do so! Amazing.)


273-441. 169 Division II football schools (Last Week: 274-442. All the DII schools like Kentucky moved up 1 as well.)


442. Hogwarts (Last Week: 445. Harry Potter’s boys may have 3 better QBs than an NFL team you haven’t seen yet. Or 2. Or all 3. Probably all 3.)


443. Blue Mountain State (Last Week: 31. A huge drop, the team hasn’t been playing well after rumors the NCAA is investigating the team. Who knows why they’re worried, they’ll probably just get suspended for a half. More time to drink.)


444. Los Angeles Temptation (Last Week: 444. The ladies of LFL are still ahead of 3 NFL teams, but one is different. They can’t make their minds up which teams they’re better than. Women, always so indecisive.)


445-1491. A bunch of DIII schools and the other Lingerie Football League teams and some fraternity intramural teams and high school teams (Last Week: 446-1492)


1492. New Mexico Aztecs (Last Week: 1492. Nobody messes with this team’s QB, because his name is Willie….Willie Beamen. You gon’ defeat him? You drea-min.)


1493. Dillon Panthers (Last Week: 443. Dillon’s having a rough time without Coach Taylor. Not that anyone can tell, considering it’s been off the air for 2 years.)


1494. Savannah State Tigers (Last Week: 1494. Holding steady at 1494 is like a victory for this team. Much like kicking a FG in a 77-3 loss is. )


1495. Minnesota Vikings (Last Week: 3-29. At 1495, this basically says there are 1,494 starting QBs better than Josh Freeman. Sounds about right.)


1496-100000. All the other high school teams, YMCA teams, pee wee teams, senior league teams, powder puff teams, groups of people that can spell “football” in the U.S. (Last  Week: 1495-99999)


(50 feet of crap)


Not Ranked: Oakland A’s (Last Week: Not Ranked. STILL holding steady right below Brad Pitt’s 50 feet of crap. Yeah, they’re staying here permanently. Gross.)


Not Ranked but 1 below the A’s: Miami Heat (Last Week: NR but 1 below the A’s. They’re this close to being the best NFL team in Florida and they don’t even play the sport. Yikes.)


Not Ranked but 2 below the A’s: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last Week: 100000. Greg Schiano really enjoyed Josh Freeman’s MNF “performance.” Sadly for him, it mimicked the rest of his team’s “performance” from this whole year.)


Not Ranked but 3 below the A’s: Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: NR but 2 below the A’s. They’re the lowest NFL team again. It’s good to be home.)


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